Ask the DM (and your fellow gamers)

'Ask the DM' would make the perfect glamorous 1950's talk show. Brave men and women in the Sunday best answering questions about dungeons, role play and the best way to level characters. Am I the only one who can picture it? I for one would watch, because as a gamer one of the most important things you can do, especially with a long term campaign is ask the DM. 

What should you ask? Well, actually I always like it when there is an open dialogue between the DM and the player. How does my character fit in? What are the long term plans with her? How can I start acting towards those plans now? That is just a sample set of questions. Usually, when I get to the 'how do I start working towards my long term plans now' I get the answer, 'Figure it out' with a smile. I still try. It's a little like a kid that keeps asking what they're getting for Christmas in November. :> Even in short term games (2 - 8 games) I find myself asking the DM questions in between sessions and trying to shape my characters. 

But the lines of communication should be open throughout the game group. I love it when the table is alive. After the game we can recap what happened, plan for next time, curse the NPCs that need cursing, mourn the ones that need to be mourned, etc. Best of all, when everyone is really working together at the table it cuts down on the changes of the petty misunderstandings that can cause hardship at the table. I have started to learn that even though it is unpleasant at the time, an occasional 'Hey dude, your character is being a jerk ass' can save later bouts of the DM hearing the question 'Can I stab my fellow gamer in the eye with a fork?'

So why not talk to the DM all the time? Well, some people don't find it comfortable. My husband is often our DM, so I find it the comfortable to chat with him about game related issues. My dear friend is also an occasional DM and he solicits my feedback, and gets unsolicited feedback upon occasion as well. With other DMs that have played, it is harder. Sometimes when the game is... well... lets use the word 'chewy', it isn't as easy to tell that DM. You know they put tons of thought and hard work in. Its hard to ask the DM 'How do I play another game without thinking that doing dishes and laundry would be a better use of time?'. In that case, I usually just try to stay positive and say, 'That was ok, but I would love if you could run X'. X is usually something with a module or a world I know well. That way I can make my own fun. 

Just remember, communication can help. It can help everyone at the table to have a better time. Remember, the DM is running something because he wants the players to have fun. If he is running because he just wants to tell his own story and the players be damned... RUN BRAVELY AWAY! That will be a fine communication in and of itself. 

The Changing Experience of Being a Girl Geek

I have been a geek or nerd or whatever you want to call it for 36 years. I am only 35. How does this work? My mom is a geek who and comic nerd. She always has been (yay for the comics mom kept and passed on from her earliest days of collecting!). She saw Star Wars while she was still pregnant with me so I could go, then took me back when I was two weeks old so I could tell everyone later that I saw Star Wars in theater. As soon as I could walk, we would go to Circle K and she would always scrape together the money to buy me Indiana Jones and Star Wars comics, then I would sit on her lap and she would read them to me. No matter what else happened – I had my comics. My Christmases and birthdays passed with  Star Wars, GI Joe and Transformers. Needless to say, all my friends were boys.

By the time I was 14 I was working in a comic book store. In the era before the internet I memorized the Overstreet Price Guide and Wizard hot list like religious texts. I started building my comic collection and soon I was putting in the Diamond distribution orders for my shop. My mom, the owners wife and I were the only women I saw come in to get comics.

 

When I was 19 I started going to Comic Con International. At that time, when you said Comic Con, it ONLY meant San Diego. It was also a comic book convention. Celebrities came, but the roamed the floor like everyone else. I saw a few more women there, but the year I first went there was a survey. The ratio of men to women? 30 to 1. Things have changed. I stopped collecting comics actively a while ago, but now talking to friends and looking at convention pictures it is getting to be more and more of an even split.

Now, I am a gamer. At my table we have 2-4 women in any of our regular groups. I see other women at game shops all the time, and mothers buying game stuff for their little girls. We are building our own geek girl army!

And men’s reaction has changed. When I moved back to Phoenix from Portland where I was running my comic shop I needed a place to get my fix. At that time, I was spending $50-100+ dollars a week on comics. Back then, they were $1 each roughly. I knew my comic books up and down and sideways. But, the first time I walked into Atomic Comics (wearing a X-Men t-shirt) the manager said “The Barbie Comics are in the corner, sweetie”. I called him an asshole and challenged him to a game of comic trivia. He lost in the first round. I left without a purchase and didn’t come back for years, until that guy was gone.

When I first married, one of my husband’s friends said women shouldn’t play. They’re no longer friends. Another guy joined our group and made comments about female gamers not understanding. He was gently excused from the group as well.

BUT…. For every guy that feels women are not ‘proper geeks’ there are at least 1000 that would walk through the fires of hell to get you a character sheet or comic book. I have met more kind, loving, generous men being a geek than I can count. My gamer guys will drive over to my house at midnight, we have all raced to a friend’s house when it caught fire, we’ve all been there for each other. They’re great guys. The girls in my group are awesome, too, but just wanted to give a shout out to all the great gamer men.

I think no matter what type of group it is, the in group (in this case men who game)will always have a tiny minority that don’t like the rise of the minority (women). But, there are lots of guys who are quite happy about it. If you date a gamer chick she is less likely to eye with suspicion the bills from the game store, but she might borrow your new dice. Just be warned.

The geek community is changing. There are more women. There are advantages all around with that, and most guys see it. For the very few that don’t, it’s ok. Westboro Baptists are always looking for new people to hang with. ;>

 And thanks for all the support everyone. Love and Hugs. :>  

Giving and getting freedom, even when that choice is difficult

I think that one of the hardest lessons to learn is that in order to have freedom, you have to give freedom to others. I am 35 years old, and I have known this intellectually for some time. Practicing this concept in everyday life is difficult. I am not alone in this. People who want their own freedom often repress others. People who want the freedom to marry the person of the opposite sex they love feel they have the right to block people of the same sex from marrying the person they love, for example. When the issue is as bright and broad as that, I can see what is right and wrong. When it as small as another player’s right to do what they want at the RPG table, it can be difficult.

I have always wanted to be myself at the table, but that is not always possible. Sometimes, you’re truest expression of your character in a circumstance can trample the joy/plans/needs to another player. I accidently did that recently. My truest expression of my character made another player miserable. I would like to have means to just play the way I find fun, but do I have the right if it hurts another player?

Similarly, I have had to understand that someone else’s ideas for their character might leave me shaking my head. In our Dark Sun game one of my fellow gamers just had a scene that left me shocked. His goal had been to get back with his wife, who was stolen away by his former best friend. He did not do what I thought he should do – but I kept it to myself, because it was not my damn business. It was HIS moment in the game, not mine. It only effected his character, so I had no right to say a word.

That understanding and detachment is much harder when another player’s actions do directly influence your own character. Again, in our long running Dark Sun game my character Zarnian was very tied to the House of the Painted Eye, while everyone else had their own individual storylines. Now, that patience is rewarded and I have become an adopted member of the House. But, because I have been so tied to the House for so long, I sometimes wonder if it means more to me than the others. I know they care, but as much as me?

Such thoughts can make you insane, honestly, especially when the other players can do things that can damage ‘the House’. But who am I to judge? What they deem best for the House and their character and what I think is best for the House and my character may not connect. But that is the point where I need to let go.

I need to understand that I have had a long, successful run with my character and even if something happens that brings the game to a close because of another player’s choices, I need to breathe and be ok. I now know that I can let go and just enjoy my character. After all, once I give them freedom I will have more freedom to just enjoy being me.

My Real Life Pathfinder Adventure and Learning How to be ME Again

Like a little kid excited about Christmas morning, I forced myself out of bed. Quickly I fed the cats, did my hair and makeup, and slipped on my clothes which I laid out the night before. Next, I gather the food I also prepared last night. Cursing the fact I was already not as early as intended, I rushed down to Imperial Outpost to play in my first Pathfinder Society game.

As soon as I arrived, it was chaos. Today was also Magic ’14 pre-release and there was an epic turn out of Pathfinders. I was worried about getting a spot, but it was sorted out and I sat down to play. With me at the table were four men I never met before and my excitement, big enough to have a chair of its own, because this was a HUGE step for me. Let me explain.

I started gaming three and a half years ago. Jason has been gaming since he was a kid, and when we got married I was fine with not gaming, but these separations rarely last long. Soon I tried Supernatural RPG, then Warhammer Fantasy Role Playing System, my first true system love. I played a smattering of one shots in other systems. I started feeling like a gamer. Then, stuff happened to erode my confidence. It happens, but then more and more and more happened. It does not need to be listed here, but I was left with a spinning head wondering if I should be a gamer. Was I capable, let alone good? What the hell was I doing? This culminated in a mental breakdown (don’t ask) and the deep knowledge that I needed to do SOMETHING.

When you have been doing an activity (gaming in my case) and you need to make a change, you have a few options. I could not change who I was playing with or what I was playing, or even my character in most of our regular games. Those options off the table, I could technically quit, but I didn’t want to and that would be pretty shitty to both Jason and the rest of the group. Quitting was a non-option. But I needed to do something, still. I decided to try gaming in Pathfinder Society.

For those that don’t know, Pathfinder Society is the gaming equivalent of men’s bathhouses in San Francisco in the 70’s. You create a character and then join in events with other people that want quick anonymous gaming. It is quick, free and liberating.

Today was the first step. I played and gained XP for my character. Two more XP and she’ll be level two, YAY! I learned more about my character, I learned more about myself and what I need to be happy. Real life XP is even better and character XP. I came home and hugged my husband because he is an amazing DM. I knew that before, I know it better now. But most of all, I feel taller and braver now than I did at this time yesterday, all because I got off my ass and tried something new.

 

Choices, big and small, and creating forces of nature

Choice is one of those hard, tricky things that we do every day. Every choice has ramifications, some small, some great. The butterfly effect of chaos theory states that the direction a butterfly beats its wings can have huge ramifications later, such as hurricanes (I know this is a simple version. Save your head slaps and ‘well actuallys’, please). The little decisions we make have big choices down the line.

For instance, my decisions to do X instead of exercising have caused an ever expanding booty and made it harder to start back up. That is a mountain that I am starting to climb. It is a damn sharp, traitorous mountain but I am making it. My decision six years ago to eat vegan only have helped me hold back horrible health outcomes that have damaged family members. I am holding off diabetes type 2, most of my migraines, and most of my high blood pressure.

When you are starting to turn healthy, I think the apparent choices are the quickest and most socially satisfying. It is easy to turn down that candy bar for a fiber bar, and easy to proclaim you don’t want that pizza but you’ll have the salad. Everyone claps and cheers. Life is great.

Life becomes complicated again when the first initial push of health is done. Your aunt bakes you a birthday cake, your best friend is in crisis and wants to go for wine, or there is a family meal at a fancy restaurant. Yes, you can have one slice of cake, one wine spritzer, and a light garden salad. Its hard to keep up the moderation without falling back into old habits.

Emotional triggers are also hard. I HATE gender assumptions, but I see this more in myself and my female friends. Life is fine and then something happens. That frienemy stabs you in the back AGAIN, that awkward situation just kicked into overdrive, the person you love most needs you to do something you really don’t want to do. It is next to impossible for me to stay strong in these situations. Bread calls my name like an evil bitch siren that just wants to attach to my backs and thighs.

I’m trying to learn to love myself enough to ask for support. I am starting to say things like “Can we meet for tea instead of wine? That way we can have what we want and still drive home.” I am starting to say no to the bread when I feel down, and instead walk in place while I watch a favorite TV show. At least I am getting my butt moving.

My shields are not perfect yet. Yesterday left me feeling raw and vulnerable. The almond ice cream bon bons in the freezer are in the front of my mind, but my tummy is almost visible under my boobs when I look down so that gives me a ton of willpower. I will treat myself after all, but to a stevia soda instead.

So to everyone faced with all the big and small decisions of life – hugs, you are not alone. I’m out there too, beating my wings into a hurricane of a new, thinner me.

The Long Term Costs of Quick Fixes - A personal entry about sugar and money

Today I feel a thousand years old, and not in a cool ‘Dark Sun Sorcerer King’ way. I used my Tarte maracuja oil concealer on the bags under my eyes and they just flipped me off. I still looked like I was carrying a few Coach purses somewhere between my eyes and my cheek. There are a few reasons I feel pretty world weary, we don’t need to get into them here. What is hard is this time I am trying to get by without my two favorite coping mechanisms – eating and shopping.

There is something about being exhausted, hurt and angry that just makes you want to run for something with sugar. There are many good reasons for this. Sugar boosts your serotonin levels temporarily, which literally gives you a happy burst. Sugar can also be addictive since our brains are hardwired genetically to crave anything sweet since greater calories gave an evolutionary advantage. However, these temporary boosts are fraught with danger.  A greater quantity of calories no longer gives us a genetic advantage. Instead, it gives us excess weight that can lead to depression and even life threatening illness.

Spending money on an item I have been wanting also gives me a boost. Usually this is a rush of adrenaline followed by a happy feeling that I now have the makeup/book that I have been wanting. Unfortunately, too much can lead to a room that is out of control and a general feeling that my money could go elsewhere – like the bank. I have made a huge effort to cut my spending down to a very controlled allowance driven schedule.

So here I sit, laptop open and thinking too hard about too many things and people. I also have hormones off the charts (thanks, Mother Nature!) all of which are making me wish I could reach for a nice vegan chocolate brownie or buy the eyeliner set I have been craving forever, and that wonderful sale on eyeshadow is only on for another few hours! How can I resist 3 eyeshadow pallets for $25 dollars? The horror of it all!

It’s not easy but I am hanging in there. I am thinking about a makeup binge in the future when the winter holiday sets come out. Every penny saved is a penny earned, there. I also realize that every calorie spent unwisely takes me more and more away from my ultimate goal of fitting back in my one pair of expensive jeans, which happen to be a size three. They have been in storage so long they’re out of fashion but by the time I get rid of enough weight to fit back in, they’ll probably be right back in vogue.

You pay a double price for the temporary fixes, but the real fixes are hard fought and take time. Still, that is what makes those real fixes worth it. I’ll remind myself of that until the cravings pass and the sale is off my eyeshadow.  

Food Bullies - Fighting back and how to not become one

I started talking with my friend about food bullies the other day, and I realized it isn’t a topic I have talked extensively about. Level 1 food bullies are people who just want you to eat this or try that or why can’t you have a sip of that? Level 2 food bullies are a little more hostile, making comments about people who don’t eat cheese, or how you can’t be a foodie if you don’t use animal products. Level 3 food bullies do things like take you to a restaurant called the Slaughterhouse for your own graduation party after you become vegan and you can’t eat anything. True story. I’ll briefly share my own food bully nightmare.

 

I was dating someone, I’ll call him TB. TB’s parents were WASPs and very glad their flighty, artistic son was dating someone, let alone someone in college who seemed semi put together. I had an alternate religion to theirs; this was a source of delight. I think they started planning our wedding after the first date. Six months into our long distance relationship, I made the decision to go vegan. I would no longer eat anything that came from an animal. Simple, right? Wrong. Those WASPs turned on me like I killed a human baby in a satanic ritual. They didn’t want me eating my green salad next to their chicken sandwiches, or to have my cheeseless bean burrito on the same table with their red meat chili burritos. The idea of veganism offended them. When I went to see them after graduating and giving the commencement speech for my college they wanted to celebrate by taking me to a ‘special restaurant’. I thought for one night they might take me to a place where I could eat in comfort, but they took me to a place called the Slaughter House that was just that. All I had was a naked baked potato from a microwave, while they ate sides of animal. I couldn’t leave because I didn’t remember the address of the apartment I was staying in and I was in shock. In hindsight I should have left and went to the airport, then had my things sent to me. Needless to say, since he was there eating with his parents, TB and I broke up. I met Jason two years later. I am eternally glad that his parents weren’t that rude and he did nothing – it sped up our breakup. But the level of hate against my choice to be vegan was staggering.

 

My friend’s boyfriend is going through something similar. He travels to his job sight and is in a small town. He is trying to make the choice to eat better for health, but his friends tease and bully him. Why can’t he have two Jack in the Box burgers? Why not bacon, eggs, and biscuits and gravy for breakfast? Is he a ‘real man’? These words hurt and they make it that much more difficult to do what is right for you and your body.

 

But let me turn the mirror around, as well. Sometimes, as vegans, we ‘know’ what is right. I cannot condone the slaughter or imprisonment or torture of an animal for my food. I will not and I cannot. However, the moment I start yelling at someone for having a chicken breast, or egg, or glass of cow milk, I lose them. Think about it. What is more appealing – a well made vegan cupcake or a Peta flier? I am not dismissing the work others do, but I try to practice compassion towards all living things, including those who make different food choices.

 

I see other vegans ranting about meat eaters, but other vegans ranting about the use of oil in cooking and even eating vegan cheese. I stop listening when people always tell me that I am bad and I cannot be the only one. When someone asks me why I am vegan, I say that I choose not to eat animal products, and offer them some of what I am eating. I think this approach fosters dialogue.

 

Food bullies are out there, but stay strong against the ones trying to push you down. You’re making the right choices for you. Just remember, others are making the right choices for them.

 

 

Playing the Best Game Ever or How My Character Survived her own Red Wedding

Last night’s Dark Sun game was the type of game you live for as a gamer. It was one that we will never forget. Red Wedding? Meh. We have Dark Sun. So much happened, so here is a small recap.

BEGIN RECAP

Last night, several traitors appeared in our midst! Our main enemy, Thaxos Vordon decided to crush the senior leadership of the House of the Painted Eye and the player characters. Attacks were made on Barok, Zarnian, Akkadian, and Cael was followed. Sadly, both Trinidas and Copper (our house leader and our house telepath) were slaughtered by the returning villain Astinicus and Torin D’ari (Trinidas’ eldest son) was revealed to be at least one of the traitors. All the players telepathically watched Trinidas and Copper get killed. Zarnian has no idea if her best friend, Denning, or his wife Talmeza survived. C’aro D’ari was also killed by his long time on-again-off-again girlfriend Meribel while he was trying to save her from Vordon’s clutches. Zarnian held him while he died and he told her of a secret compartment in his desk.

Zarnian, Akkadian and Zerian went back to the house only to find it surrounded by 20 armed Vordon soldiers baring the way. After some verbal sparring, Akkadian opened fire with his bow and the fight was on. After Zarnian killed seven soldiers in a matter of a few moments, they broke and ran. She went inside to see what was in the desk while Akkadian and Barok went after the remaining soldiers. Zerian, Akkadian’s trainee was killed.

Meanwhile, Cael went after Bay but did not find him. Bay had gone to his arch rival Esticles house. There, Bay’s daughter Kalifa was trying to save her mother (Bay’s former wife) from the life of prostitution that her second husband, Esticles had forced her into. This led to a fight where Kalifa and her mother were slapped around by Esticles. Choosing a non-violent path, Bay did not attack. He even stopped Kalifa from stabbing Esticles, causing her to run away. Bay went into the other room to evict the noble who had come to buy his wife’s sexual services, and then Esticles attacked him from behind, trying to stab Bay in the back. Bay knocked out Esticles and helped his wife up, offering her a life in the nunnery where their daughter was staying. Instead, she went to her room, locked the door against Varius and drank a poison. Only when he heard her body fall did he break down the door and try to save her but could not. He then attacked Esticles’ face, permanently maiming him. Then Cael found him, carrying his wife’s dead body. They returned to the warehouse.

Back at the warehouse Zarnian discovered she had been formally adopted and was now a D’ari, making her the only one left besides Mak’ti, Trinidas’ daughter. Bay attempted to contact Mak’ti but discovered she was under attack and someone was trying to kill her. Then the game ended.

End Recap

At the end, I actually broke down with tears in my eyes. This is how much I cared about C’aro and how angry I was that I hadn’t been able to save him. It was more than that, though. I told Jason a year and a half ago that I wished I could be a D’ari and I knew I never would be. He listened and gave me my wish. There were so many emotions I thought I would choke on them all. I almost did, and almost ruined my eyeliner (which was awesome) but I fought the tears back.

Though many of the other players had to work early the next day, no one got up, no one left. There was a hush at the table from the sheer gravity of it all, and a few thousand yard stares. We lost people we loved. These are people that are real to us. I ‘see’ these people at least once a week for 2 ½ years, and they become really damn real. I am going to miss C’aro and the others will miss their friends.

That is the power of a great game. You care. There are not NPCs or PCs or any of that BS. These are people and a story that you are writing as a group. That is a beautiful and powerful thing.  

So now Game of Thrones can’t hurt me – I’ve survived my own gaming ‘Red Wedding’. But the Lannister’s always repay their debts and so does Zarnian D’ari. It’s time for some payback, but that will have to wait for the next game. This one was perfect as it stood.

Learning how to be a Loser - Being a big girl in a tiny vegan world

I have always been a bigger girl. The terms range from “Thick and Juicy” to “Curvy” to the less delicate “Fat”. Yes, they all get capital letters because they all deserve them. I am me. I was told at 16 by a friend’s father that I have ‘hips begging for twins’ and at 24, at the height of my weight my stepfather said “it’s a shame you’re heavy because you have a pretty face”.  I’ve pretty much heard it all. Yes, I’m 5’ 1” but I have a figure I think of as an “90 minute glass” instead of the traditional “hourglass”. I have to get my bras at Fredrik’s of Hollywood because Victoria Secret does not carry my size. Victoria’s secret must be she does not cater to the large breasted ladies of the world. Well, forget her.

I have been vegan for 6 years. I lost a ton of weight, felt great and I still feel great. However, the weight has started creeping back on. In my family, ALL the women gain weight in their mid thirties. Call it a shift in hormones, call it biology. I call it the big ‘suck’, because this sucks. I decided I have to do something about this – again. I want to fit back into a my clothes. I want to feel lighter.

There are a thousand and twenty weight loss plans out there. Eating a healthy vegan diet is the best way to go. I decided I would also keep Weight Watchers points. This is because for years I have been tracking calories and frankly – I’m a little bored. Keeping point totals is novel and is keeping me engaged. How much is that McDougall soup cup? 4 points! How much is that bean burrito with Daiya? 5 points. My Starbucks refresher is 3 points, etc. I have only 29 points in a day, and they add up quickly.

The results of the first week are in. I’ve gotten rid of 1.5 pounds so far. I don’t use ‘lost’ because I sure as hell don’t want this crap back anymore. My weight can stay away and I can get rid of a lot more – one point at a time.