Choices, big and small, and creating forces of nature

Choice is one of those hard, tricky things that we do every day. Every choice has ramifications, some small, some great. The butterfly effect of chaos theory states that the direction a butterfly beats its wings can have huge ramifications later, such as hurricanes (I know this is a simple version. Save your head slaps and ‘well actuallys’, please). The little decisions we make have big choices down the line.

For instance, my decisions to do X instead of exercising have caused an ever expanding booty and made it harder to start back up. That is a mountain that I am starting to climb. It is a damn sharp, traitorous mountain but I am making it. My decision six years ago to eat vegan only have helped me hold back horrible health outcomes that have damaged family members. I am holding off diabetes type 2, most of my migraines, and most of my high blood pressure.

When you are starting to turn healthy, I think the apparent choices are the quickest and most socially satisfying. It is easy to turn down that candy bar for a fiber bar, and easy to proclaim you don’t want that pizza but you’ll have the salad. Everyone claps and cheers. Life is great.

Life becomes complicated again when the first initial push of health is done. Your aunt bakes you a birthday cake, your best friend is in crisis and wants to go for wine, or there is a family meal at a fancy restaurant. Yes, you can have one slice of cake, one wine spritzer, and a light garden salad. Its hard to keep up the moderation without falling back into old habits.

Emotional triggers are also hard. I HATE gender assumptions, but I see this more in myself and my female friends. Life is fine and then something happens. That frienemy stabs you in the back AGAIN, that awkward situation just kicked into overdrive, the person you love most needs you to do something you really don’t want to do. It is next to impossible for me to stay strong in these situations. Bread calls my name like an evil bitch siren that just wants to attach to my backs and thighs.

I’m trying to learn to love myself enough to ask for support. I am starting to say things like “Can we meet for tea instead of wine? That way we can have what we want and still drive home.” I am starting to say no to the bread when I feel down, and instead walk in place while I watch a favorite TV show. At least I am getting my butt moving.

My shields are not perfect yet. Yesterday left me feeling raw and vulnerable. The almond ice cream bon bons in the freezer are in the front of my mind, but my tummy is almost visible under my boobs when I look down so that gives me a ton of willpower. I will treat myself after all, but to a stevia soda instead.

So to everyone faced with all the big and small decisions of life – hugs, you are not alone. I’m out there too, beating my wings into a hurricane of a new, thinner me.